Broken

I don't know if any of you have ever dealt with feeling broken in some way or not, but I'm guessing that a lot of you have. Why do I suppose that? Because we are all broken. We may associate it with different terms, which is fine of course. I say broken because I feel it in a physical sense and that word most captures my struggles. The topic is on my mind because it was talked about in chapel today [great speech by the way; very inspiring in many ways] and I cried about it for the first time in quite awhile.

I've never been a superbly healthy person. When I was little, my sister and I joked about how somehow I always ended up with the weird health problems. I had a blue mole (I still don't even know what that is, but I can show you where it is on my calf), warts on my feet, an ear infection so bad it punctured my ear drum, asthma, allergies, bronchitis, and an unidentified joint problem that caused me to quit my dream of becoming a ballerina. Obviously I didn't have all of these ailments at once! But I did become pretty familiar with the doctor's office. I don't remember those things bothering me much back then; kids get sick and hurt all the time, but their lives are still full of possibilities and adventure and everything will be okay once they grow up.

Many of those things have passed. However, my joint problem has been identified as ankylosing spondalitis, which is a somewhat rare form of arthritis. In my case, it comes and goes and at least so far has not been progressive. Right now, I don't even hurt all the time like I used to. However, I also have a mostly unidentified back problem that causes me to be unable to draw a full breath of air, when the issue is flaring. It too comes and goes and even when flaring isn't the end of the world; it's only been bad enough to be mildly scary two or three times. So both issues are pretty minor and I shrug them off as often as I can. But deep down, I still sort of feel broken. Defective. Damaged.

What about you feels broken? Something that isn't your fault, that you can't always control and sometimes can't even help, that makes your life harder. Maybe you had a rough childhood and can't seem to shake a constant feeling of inadequecy or lonliness. Maybe you were in a bad relationship and have trouble loving or trusting even a good man/woman. Maybe you feel surrounded by spiritual darkness and can't break through and just feel like something must be wrong with you. Or maybe you're an awful lot sicker than I am and maybe you can't walk, or hear, or speak, or maybe you've heard a prediction of your lifespan from a doctor's mouth. What's broken?

In chapel, the speaker told his amazing story of healing. He had scoliosis, and by the end of his freshman year of college he was 45 off in two separate areas of his back. By 21 degrees, they set you up with a back brace, and by 30 degrees they recommend surgery. The doctors told him it would only get worse and surgical procedures involving metal rods was the only answer. Rather than get surgery right away, he kept thinking about a passage in the Bible. "All things are possible". Hoping that could be true, he asked people to pray over him and his back several times. At first nothing happened, but one time, a miracle happened. The top several inches of his back were straight! This happened again and again over a period of (I believe) a couple years, where people would pray over his back and a little bit more would straighten out. Finally, his entire spine was straight and true, and now in his senior year of college he is able to tumble about the stage and sit or stand for long periods and every other wonderful thing we don't always remember is a blessing. What a miracle! It was great to hear about someone being healed, there is no doubt about that.

But it is also awfully hard not to ask, "So why am I still broken?" I've prayed, I've had others pray, I've believed, I've done everything I know how to. But I still take a painkiller before school dances so I don't hurt the next morning, and I still have to have my choir buddy or boyfriend rub my back before choir concerts so I don't feel like I'll pass out in the middle of a song, and I still just have all these troublesome issues. Why are some healed, and others not?

Furthermore, how can people sing about God being the One that holds their future and their one and only healer and the one that loves them so much and can do anything, when we are still broken? Yay, God is our only hope... is that supposed to be some sort of comfort, when this is also the one that left me broken for so many years?

Honestly, I don't have answers. That's why I cried right in the middle of chapel and couldn't stop for a long time. Because I don't understand why I can't even draw a full breath of air, when God can obviously do much bigger things than that. Because I don't get it; I don't get the logic behind giving me arthritis and allergies when I love the outdoors and nature and dancing. Why give me a passion and then hinder me from experiencing it? Not fair, friends. Not fair at all.

But do you know what? It's okay that I don't get it. It doesn't make me a bad Christian to be mad at God. Did you know you can be angry at God and get away with it? It's true. Because Christianity is about a relationship not about doing the right thing to earn God's favor. I wish I knew more answers to my difficult questions, but I'm glad that I can admit them to myself and admit to both myself and God that I'm kind of upset at the way things have turned out in the arthritis and breathing departments. It's okay for me to make a motion that I get miraculously healed forever of all physical complaints. Relationships are about working through problems, not pretending they don't exist. I'm on a journey with God. Maybe it will end with an elimination of health problems. Maybe it will end with an elimination of self-pity problems instead! But I do believe it will be a journey of healing in any case.

Yours will be too. I don't know what's broken, how it got broken, how the brokenness affects your life, or what to do about the broken pieces. I know you're broken. And I know that if you choose to journey with God, He will take you on a journey of healing, and it will all be worth it in the end. Trust in that much, if nothing else.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."' Jeremiah 29:11